a journal entry, a closed door, and a bigger door opened

july 24th, 2012

tonight i am reminded of Your goodness in my life. i am reminded that You have a plan and a purpose greater than i could ever imagine and that You are for me. i am reminded that You have my best interest at heart when You close doors that seem to lead to great opportunities. Your ways are higher and i choose to put my trust and my hope in You because i know that You do not disappoint. thank You

as a business owner striving to wholly pursue my dreams is hard. it comes with great excitements coupled with great disappointments. and when the disappointments come they seem to hit hard. and on july 24th, 2012, a certain disappointment hit especially hard. i questioned my ability and value to those around me. i questioned my direction and decision to build this business. i questioned everything. but i held onto the promise that God gave me, that God gave all of us, that He has a plan and a purpose for every single detail of our lives and that His plans are greater than we could ever hope or dream. i held onto  those promises and was determined to not give up, not give in, to whatever disappointment may come.

the very next morning, while at the gym, i received a text that almost sent me into a pile of tears. my heart screamed and i couldn’t believe what i was reading. for months chris and i had been praying, brainstorming, and praying some more. God had placed a burning desire within me to attend the Pursuit 31 Conference but we had no idea how we were going to make it work. but God did. that morning, God rocked our world. in ways only He can orchestrate, the text brought about the news that i was going to the conference! i couldn’t believe what i was reading and actually had to read it again. it was true. it was really happening.

when God closes doors He is always faithful to open others, constantly pushing us in the direction He is wanting us to go. sometimes the hardest part for us is accepting that the door has closed, that He has something different, something bigger, something better.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!  Ephesians 3:20 MSG

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i have no idea what i’m doing…

“i don’t understand,” i sighed in frustration, “i have sent out numerous resumes and had multiple interviews yet not one single job offer.”

i went on to express to him that it seemed i was being led towards photography more and more with each passing day. every door that i tried to open was slammed shut and the door i kept trying so desperately to slam shut kept swinging itself wide open again. i confessed to him that i had still been viewing photography as more of a hobby than an actual business & vocation. i had continued to look for conventional jobs, deep down desiring the comfort and stability that i thought would accompany it. i was letting the fear of the unknown, that fear that i had spoken out against so many times before on this very blog, control who i would allow myself to be.

i confessed to him the need i felt to take photography more seriously, and he just smiled. and i knew exactly what that smile meant. being the amazing husband that he is, he had known this all along. he had known that photography was where my heart was, where my heart is, and he had known that it was where i needed to be. and being the amazing husband that he is, he didn’t say a word. he knew that when i was truly ready, God would show me where i needed to be, and all he had to do was sit back and pray and watch it all unfold.

after our conversation things began to change. my heart was finally where God wanted it to be and all of a sudden He began placing amazing opportunities in my life and showing both Chris and i what we needed to be doing in regards to my photography and how to do it. one of those was creating a Facebook page and i will admit, i felt like a fraud. how could i call myself a photographer when most of my portfolio was made up of family members i had bribed to let me take their photo? concerns of what others would think of the fact that i’m now taking myself seriously as a photographer swirled through my head until i realized that the thoughts and opinions of others matter none when it comes to doing what God has called me to do.

so i did it, i created a Facebook page and am now officially taking myself seriously as a photographer. and i feel like i have no idea what i’m doing, but that’s ok, because God knows exactly what He is doing

daring to dream

as i read her words aloud to my husband it was as though she was speaking directly to my heart. every word, every sentence, every paragraph seemed to put in to words what my heart has been feeling for some time now. i felt so vulnerable and transparent.

“Sometimes we forget, we underestimate and get comfortable with day to day living“, she wrote, “that those urges in us that burn like fire get pushed to the side.”

i find myself constantly struggling with my hearts desires, questioning their logic and whether they will ever come to pass or, as she said it so well, whether they are simply “fantasy or fleeting moments of granduer.” but she went on to remind us that

“the vision and dreams that God has put in you HE has not forgotten about and He doesn’t want you to either. “

we finished reading her blog post and began to allow ourselves to dream, and not simply in our thoughts, where dreams can so easily be overtaken by reason and logic. we typed our dreams out, listing 1 year, 5 year, and life long dreams. some may seem completely unrealistic and all together silly but we dreamed any way, because, as she put it so elequantly,

“God doesn’t place desires in us in vain.  I think He gives us the visions, the eye to see the things that we want because they are within reach and He wants them for us.”