Diary of a Military Wife: Feeling of Discontentment

when deployment is coming to an end and the light at the end of the tunnel gets brighter daily, it tends to feel like every minute is a lifetime and every day is an eternity. every skype date and phone call with hubby becomes so bittersweet and rarely does a conversation pass without words of discontentment being spoken. “would you PLEASE just come home?!” i say in exasperation; as if he has any control over the situation. “i’m so ready to be done” he replies when i ask him what’s wrong.

i find that sleep is a sweet escape because, in sleep, the hours just seem to disappear and when i wake the number on my countdown has been reduced by one. i wake and think; “one day closer.” and while the excitement builds as his return nears, so does the discontentment in the reality that it is not here yet.

yet, when Paul speaks on the subject of contentment, he doesn’t speak about being discontent and struggling through each day until the circumstance changes. quite the opposite actually.

Actually, I don’t have a sense of needing anything personally. I’ve learned by now to be quite content whatever my circumstances. I’m just as happy with little as with much, with much as with little. I’ve found the recipe for being happy whether full or hungry, hands full or hands empty. Whatever I have, wherever I am, I can make it through anything in the One who makes me who I am. Philippians 4:12-13 (MSG)

in my discontentment i lose sight of Jesus, “the one who makes me who I am”. and when i lose sight of Jesus, i lose sight of reality; i lose sight of the fact that “This is the day that the Lord has made… Psalm 118:24” and rather than rejoicing in it i bitterly survive it.

but not any more. i am daily realizing that where i am is exactly where He wants me to be, and where He wants me to be, is exactly where i want to be.

i’m not saying it’s easy. quite the opposite, actually. it’s a battle every day. and every day i have to constantly remind myself of who i am, who He has made me to be and Who has made this very day. but when i do, i not only survive, i thrive. and i know that I can do all things through Christ, who strengthens me!

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Diary of a Military Wife: Giving Up Control

sometimes i wish i would take my own advice, listen to my own words and do what i say i’m going to do. it seemed that the moment i wrote about not planning, but simply trusting God, i immediately started planning. would we buy a house in Washington? if so, where? and when? do we want kiddos right away? if so, when is “right away”? and how many? when do we want to move to NYC?

when talking is all you can do, sometimes talking turns into planning and bevore we knew it we were trying to plan out our entire lives. it was refreshing, i have to admit, to occupy my mind with thoughts of the future. the future meant him being home and us being together. but that refreshing feeling soon grew to an overwhelming feeling that we HAVE to get everything planned and together. the thing was, the more we talked about it the more confusing it got. if we went this route then how would that fit into the picture? and if we went that direction what would we do about this?

the feeling to let it go and let God work it out kept popping up, and i kept pushing it aside. it was getting in the way and i wanted to be in control, have it all figured out, have some sense of security in having a “plan”. during a certain conversation one morning, my mom spoke the words that i had been ignoring for so long. “wait. wait til Chris gets home and you get settled into doing life together. then you can think about making these decisions.” having him gone had given me a sense of insecurity that i didn’t even recognize but her words called it out into the open. it seems like there are so many unknowns and to be honest, i don’t do good with unknowns. i wanted to get mad at her for not giving me the answer that i wanted but i knew that it was the answer that i needed. so instead i took a deep breath, stopped planning and started trusting. it hasn’t been easy though.

it’s a daily battle to give up the control that i so badly want in order to let God have the control He so badly needs. but when i do, i find the security i need, knowing He’s got it all under control.

a journal entry, a closed door, and a bigger door opened

july 24th, 2012

tonight i am reminded of Your goodness in my life. i am reminded that You have a plan and a purpose greater than i could ever imagine and that You are for me. i am reminded that You have my best interest at heart when You close doors that seem to lead to great opportunities. Your ways are higher and i choose to put my trust and my hope in You because i know that You do not disappoint. thank You

as a business owner striving to wholly pursue my dreams is hard. it comes with great excitements coupled with great disappointments. and when the disappointments come they seem to hit hard. and on july 24th, 2012, a certain disappointment hit especially hard. i questioned my ability and value to those around me. i questioned my direction and decision to build this business. i questioned everything. but i held onto the promise that God gave me, that God gave all of us, that He has a plan and a purpose for every single detail of our lives and that His plans are greater than we could ever hope or dream. i held onto  those promises and was determined to not give up, not give in, to whatever disappointment may come.

the very next morning, while at the gym, i received a text that almost sent me into a pile of tears. my heart screamed and i couldn’t believe what i was reading. for months chris and i had been praying, brainstorming, and praying some more. God had placed a burning desire within me to attend the Pursuit 31 Conference but we had no idea how we were going to make it work. but God did. that morning, God rocked our world. in ways only He can orchestrate, the text brought about the news that i was going to the conference! i couldn’t believe what i was reading and actually had to read it again. it was true. it was really happening.

when God closes doors He is always faithful to open others, constantly pushing us in the direction He is wanting us to go. sometimes the hardest part for us is accepting that the door has closed, that He has something different, something bigger, something better.

For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11 NIV

God can do anything, you know—far more than you could ever imagine or guess or request in your wildest dreams!  Ephesians 3:20 MSG

the formless and void

“in the very beginning of the Bible God took what was formless and void and created the earth (Genesis 1:2-The earth was without form and an empty waste, and darkness was upon the face of the very great deep…) and if we are created in God’s image, the ultimate Creator (Genesis 1:27-So God created man in His own image, in the image and likeness of God He created him; male and female He created them.) then we too are called to take that which seems to be formless and void and create something out of it.”

i left our City Group last night feeling incredibly challenged and excited for the future. while the discussion revolved around the book The Purpose Driven Church by Rick Warren I couldn’t help but apply it to my life and where i find myself as a growing photographer and business owner. while pursuing a creative career is incredibly exciting and rewarding it can, at times, be daunting and a bit overwhelming. i find myself with many formless and void areas, some looking as though they are an empty waste. and if i were truly honest with myself, i have let the formless and the void hold me back rather than seeing the potential they have. the Bible says that the earth was “an emtpy waste” yet God created our aww inspiring earth,. He saw it’s potential. when i put that truth into perspective i realize that the formless and the voids in my life are not so terrible after all. and if God can create such an incredible planet out of an empty waste, then i can create something out of my nothings, too. because i was created in His own image.

and my prayer for you today is that you have the faith to see the potential in the formless and the voids in your life, that you can recognize that your Creator created you to create, and that you can stand on that fact, step out infaith, trust, and create.